


To those left behind

by Felicita



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Letters, farewell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-01-17 01:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1368514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felicita/pseuds/Felicita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prior to every expeditions soldiers are reminded that they may write letters for those left behind. These letters will be delivered should they not return.<br/>Not everyone does actually make use of this, but those who do have quite different things to say.</p><p>This is a collection of some farewell letters.</p><p>(Further characters will be added once the chapters are online.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Petra to Levi

**Author's Note:**

> I always thought this letters would be a nice idea and finally decided to write some of them.  
> Well, actually I already have those which I wanted to write ready in German, but I realized it is really hard to translate letters, even more as I'm translating from and not to my native tongue.  
> Therefore I apologize in advance should there be some mistakes disrupting the reading or should it take me too long to post the next chapter.  
> Probably I'm just struggling trying to keep the mistakes to a minimum. Usually I would ask a friend to beta this for me, but I would spoiler her and I don't want to do that. (Should you by any chance be reading this, please, stop right here!) So, yes, this is not spoiler-free unless you have seen most of the anime.

He stared at the piece of paper in his hand, hesitant to rip it open. It was labelled in a clear, fluid way with nothing more than his name. No title, no decoration or squiggle. Just his name.  
It had been obvious that Petra would be one of those to write such a letter. A farewell letter. Prior to each and every expedition. Again and again.  
As if knowing the high risk to die was not already enough, as if there was nothing more important than leaving words for those left behind, making them aware of all they had lost once again.  
There was no obligation to, but most soldiers would advise especially young ones to write these. He thought it to be sheer torture. With an expedition ahead people should concentrate on preparations not on thinking what to leave behind should they not return. It did not bring any inward peace, just the pressing knowledge that it was not that unlikely to happen. Making it clear again and again what could be lost. Even if he had wanted to he did not have the strength to do it. Not time and again.  
But Petra’s letter was of recent date. The date stamp sitting so wrongly in the lower right corner bore the date one day before their ride outside the walls. _One_ damn day. And he knew far too well that she had done the same last time and every single time before. She always wrote new letters and most likely even more each time.  
He glanced towards his desk where four more letters lay carefully sealed and inscribed. They had handed him the ones to his other squad members as well. Such irony.  
Levi leaned back shortly then sat up, putting his own letter aside and reaching for the other ones. He sorted out Eren’s and let if fall next to his own. Then he took a moment to simply look at the three other names in the candle’s flickering light. Erd. Günther. Auruo.  
With a deep sigh he stood and took a few steps towards his fireplace. He felt old, his movements weak and tired and his thoughts weren’t in any better shape. His gaze went to the crackling flames and for a brief moment he tried not to think of anything, but pictures glowed in his mind making him try to push them away quickly.  
He shut his eyes tightly and rubbed his forehead with his free hand. All of them ... they just kept on disappearing ...  
He opened his eyes again, extended his right hand and threw the letters into the flames with a quick motion, before he turned and went back to his desk. Petra’s last words would never reach them and he surely did not want to read them. That was a private matter.  
He sank back on his chair and looked at his own letter again. Did he really want to read it? Did he really want to know what she had to say?  
With a sigh he jerkily broke the seal. Just as he expected a lot of lines appeared, Petra did not make it short. **  
**

_Levi,_

_I know you won’t approve of me addressing you without your title, but I want this letter to reach not my superior, but a person who I have come to see as a friend and respect very highly._  
 _I know you always try to seem unimpressed, but I can see in your eyes that all the deaths hurt you just as much as everyone else, that you miss the people and probably ask yourself if you could have done anything to prevent them from leaving._  
 _You’re making your own life harder than you would ever admit and I’m not sure, whether I won’t make it worse with these lines. But I wanted to thank you. For being there for your subordinates, for taking care of them even if they themselves aren’t aware of it._  
 _I could not wish any more of a superior and I’m sure I’m not the only one to think that way. Those who are lucky enough to really get to know you will appreciate it. Don’t take those rumours about you being cold-hearted and unapproachable to heart. You are a warm-hearted and good human being and I’m glad and proud to have worked with you._  
 _Thank you for the first weeks as well. Perhaps it was too unimportant for you to even remember, but when I was new to the legion you taught me to stay calm and told me everything was under control, the risk calculable as long as we kept sight of the bigger picture._  
 _You were right. Even if I was not able to really stay calm all the time I tried to take it to heart and it made things easier for me.  
_ _Whatever people may say, stay the way you are, one day they will for sure understand._

_Thank you for everything and, please, take care._

_Petra_

  
Levi let his arm fall down slowly and leaned back while closing his eyes. A softly murmured “Petra ...” escaped his lips with another sigh. She had seen more in him than what was actually there, that much he was sure of and she had worried about the wrong things, but...  
He smiled sadly, folded her letter neatly and put it almost carefully into his desk drawer where two others were placed already.  
He would miss her.


	2. Petra to Eren

The door of his cell was pushed open and Eren looked up. Of course they had him locked up again, how could they not? But at least they had forgone chaining him to his bed this time. Sure, the chains remained and they probably had the keys at hand but for now he was allowed to move freely inside the small chamber. For now.  
Now and then a guard would pass in the hallway outside, but other than that he was left alone with his thoughts – even though he was pretty sure they would never leave completely and as soon as he would do anything conspicuous like screaming loudly they would be there to reprimand him at once.  
He sat on his bed, legs drawn to his chest, arms wrapped around his knees and staring into the distance. That was why he had not noted someone entering his cell. As he lifted his head, Levi was already standing directly in front of him, eyeing him silently for a brief moment.  
“Eren.”  
Did he look that absent-minded? Eren sighed. “Yes, Captain?”  
Levi hesitated slightly, eyed him again as if trying to predict a following reaction. Eren squirmed a little under his glance; it was unpleasant, investigating, calculating. Then Levi lifted a hand and Eren twitched a little. He did not know why as it would have been completely meaningless to slap him, but somehow he was prepared for anything.  
Anything but Levi offering him a letter. A brown envelop with his name in clear handwriting on top. “They just gave me this.” For a moment silence filled the room as Eren eyed the letter in disbelieve. Since he was hesitant to take it, Levi added a little softer: “It’s from Petra.”  
Eren blinked unintentionally, his eyes growing wide. He had not expected her to write him. No, he had not expected anyone to write him.  
“Did you read it?” He asked and hoping to get a confirmation, since he was afraid this letter could be made of accusations or even worse. But Levi just snored as Eren finally took the piece of paper. It felt heavy in his hand.  
“Of course not. If you were able to read, it should come to your attention that this is your name written upon it, not mine.”  
With these words he looked at Eren one last time in a way the later could not decipher, turned and was gone even faster than Eren’s door was locked again.  
Eren stared at the letter in his hand and he felt tears filling his eyes just so shortly after they had stopped. “Petra ...” He whispered softly, before gulping heavily and ripping the surprisingly undamaged seal of the envelope. 

_Dear Eren,_

_should you be holding this letter in your hands the expedition probably did not go as planned. I really hope you are alright and I’m the only one who did not make it back._  
 _Whatever happened, please, Eren, don’t blame yourself, I’m sure it was not your fault._  
 _I know this is anything but easy for you and I don’t even dare to imagine what they might do to you should the expedition really have failed._  
 _Don’t give up, stay with the others, they will help you. Trust in Captain Levi and Commander Erwin. They will for sure do everything in their power to keep the damage at a minimum._  
 _You’re a good boy, Eren, that’s why I am convinced that it’s not your fault, that you would never turn willingly against us or anyone in the legion. I’m deeply sorry for doubting you in the beginning._  
 _Maybe a lot of people felt like that as we got the news of you being able to turn into a titan. It was a dubious, bizarre and frightening concept. But it offers no excuse._  
 _As I was told about you, I was unsure what to think about you and when I came to know you I thought it all to be a lie. I did not want to believe these things to be true and was even more shocked when it happened. I should have known better, we all should have._  
 _The way we reacted in this very moment was inexcusable. You were nervous yourself and did not understand what was happening – today I know that much. It should have been our job to stay calm, to get an overview of the situation, but instead we only made it worse in jumping to the wrong conclusions much too fast and thinking you wanted to harm us. If Captain Levi had not stopped us we might have made a fatal mistake. I’m still reproaching myself for that. I should have known, I knew you well enough to realise you are not the kind to do something like that._  
 _Eren, I’m really and truly sorry and I can only hope for you to not remember us too badly for what we did back then._  
 _I don’t think I hold the right to give you advices or famous last words at this point. I just hope that it was really just me and everything else went well. Should you ever have had that impression, please believe me that none of us hated you. On the contrary, despite all that mystery about you or the titans, I’m very glad I was able to meet you.  
_ _I wish for everyone to learn and see the human you are and not some kind of machine, weapon or monster. Don’t let anyone talk you into believing it, you are none of these and I’m sure one day all of you will reconquer the world outside the walls._

_Take good care of yourself and keep your head up. And forget about me as fast as you can, I don’t want to make things any harder for you than they already are._

_Petra_

A few wet drops fell on the paper and made the ink blur a little, before Eren slowly pressed the paper to his chest and shut his eyes.  
“As if I could ever hate you ...” He murmured quietly and sadly. Blinking back a few tears he held the letter up again, reading it a second time.  
He was not even aware of someone stepping close to the bars of his cell, watching him silently for a few seconds then turning again with a slight shake of the head and leaving him alone once more.


	3. Levi to Eren and Erwin

Levi sighed while closing the door to his room behind him. He wasn’t really sure whether Petra’s letter had made Eren feel better or even worse. But considering she often found the right words he hoped she managed to tell him that it hadn’t been his fault.  
Eren was obviously more shaken by everything going on than he had thought. Perhaps he had misjudged him, Eren clearly had some weak points concerning deaths. That was a little unfavourable. Still he could not blame him, he really couldn’t.  
Considering everything that happened to him so far he had put up a surprisingly good fight, Levi had to admit that much. But this little outbreak made him doubt about Eren being ready for expeditions. After all he was still a fifteen years old teenager growing up without his parents and living through terror most of the stuck-up prigs further inside the walls would not have to face in their whole life.  
And still all of their goddamn hope lay with him. Levi took two quick steps towards his desk and opened one of the drawers to fish out a piece of paper and a penholder.  
It was his job to make take care of his subordinates and he had to make sure Eren would not break should something happen to someone. And the way the boy reacted to him it could get really bad.  
His gaze flickered back to the chimney as he unscrewed the inkpot, right into the still burning fire. He was not like Petra, he did not write letters time and again. He simply could not.  
Looked at in this light, Eren could count himself lucky. Up until today there was only one other letter he had left behind. It had been years ago, but Levi never saw any reason to change it. Sometimes he wondered what Erwin would think should he ever receive it and realize it was several years old.  
Levi looked back onto his desk, dunking the pen into the ink he hesitated for a brief moment. He did not like putting these things into words, it felt weird for everyone involved. But Eren had to understand that there was a chance for it to happen, that he was just as mortal as everyone else and that he had to ... go on. Levi lowered the point and started writing. 

_Eren,_

_should you ever hold this letter in your hands, I failed. I’m not the kind to tell you to go on and make a speech about it and I won’t even try to._ _You really need to learn how to make a stand. You’re a coward. Hurry up and learn how to make decisions and live with them._ _Do never dare to regret whatever it was that lead to my death. Even if you should be foolish enough to think it was your fault, unlike you I chose my way by myself, so it was my decision as well._ _If you are still alive, that’s good, stay like that, because I most definitely don’t want to see your stupid mug again for at least another thirty or forty years._

   
Granted, this was neither Petra’s warm nor Erwin’s skilful choice of words, but Levi failed to see any reason to force himself to senseless blather. And apart from that he did not put it past Eren to understand him.  
He waited for the ink to dry, then folded the paper and put it inside an envelope labelled with Eren’s name. He took another deep breath before getting up and heading to the administration’s office. Surely the “nice” lady would be surprised to see him again after all that time. And he would most likely get it wrong.  
No, he did not turn softer, but Eren would understand why he wrote this letter. Just as Erwin, should he ever hold it in his hands, would understand the meaning of those two words in his letter. Because compared to Eren’s letter, Erwin’s was really short. But it still contained everything left to say. 

_Thank you_


	4. Eren to ?

“Eren.”  
He slowly tilted his head upwards in reaction to the well known voice. Three days had passed since they came back and Eren had calmed down a little. But it hurt to even think about what had happened and he tried to avoid it whenever possible.  
That worked reasonably well since Armin and the Commander presented him something new to brood about this morning. Not to mention the fact that this campaign - starting about three hours from now when he would be officially transferred – was not exactly what he would have wished for.  
He sat on the plain bed, his legs drawn to his chest and his head resting on top, trying to push everything to the back of his mind and not asking himself time and again whether Armin’s guess would turn out to be right in the end. He could – no, he did not want to believe it would.  
But now Levi was standing in front of him and Eren gulped. Had he lost track of time? Were they going to start already? He was most definitely not ready!  
At once his breathing sped up a little, but before he could open his mouth to say something, Levi held something out to him.  
Eren blinked a little confused and took the flat, elongated case.  
“What’s that?”  
Levi did not answer, but as soon as Eren lifted the lid, he knew nevertheless. Inside were a few pieces of paper, envelopes, a quill and a small inkpot made of glass.  
Eren sighed, looking upwards again. “Do you assume I will die?” He asked bluntly.  
Levi studied him for a minute without saying anything or even moving, then he slowly shook his head. “All of us can die any time, you should be aware of that as well. I know you did not write a single letter so far.” Where ever he got that information from? “This might be your last chance. I’ll be back in an hour.”  
And with these words he turned and signalled the guard to let him out. Eren followed him with his eyes for a few seconds. It was true, before they left for the expedition he didn’t even think about writing a letter and now...  
His gaze shifted back to the paper and he slowly picked out one, laying it on top of the case he was going to use as pat, and dipped the quill into the ink. He watched a drop fall back down as he lifted it and causing some tiny waves for split seconds.  
Petra’s letter had hurt him, but it had been kind and warm and just her. It was good to know she had thought of him and reading it had been like talking to her one last time. Perhaps farewell words like these were important and able to help others. But... what was he supposed to write?  
Slowly he moved the quill towards the paper, hesitated a bit and then lowered it gradually.

  
_Armin,_

_~~I know, I’m terrible concerning this, but~~ _

 

_~~it’s hard to put into words what I want to say, you always have been better in this than I’ll ever be and~~ _

 

_~~I’m glad we were friends an~~ _

 

_~~take care of yourse~~ _

 

Frustrated Eren gave up after his third attempt. It was impossible, simply and utterly impossible to find words for what he wanted to tell Armin. No matter how hard he tried, they just sounded wrong and felt so much like a goodbye that it hurt Eren. Yes, these letters were meant for the case that it actually was goodbye, but... writing one made him feel like looking ahead to a certain death. It was impossible.  
He took some deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down again, taking the piece of paper and crumpling it up, before taking a new one and smoothing it out on top of the wooden surface.  
Armin would know. He would understand, why it was so hard, but they never needed words anyway for him to know what Eren wanted to say. And Eren would trust his childhood friend to understand him this time as well.  
He dipped the quill again, starting another, new letter. 

_Mikasa,_

 

_~~even if we met under pretty bad circumstances~~ _

 

_~~I’m sorry I won’t be there anymore to~~ _

 

_~~I did not want to die, I did not want to fail, I~~ _

 

_~~Please, forget me and~~ _

 

Nerve-wracked Eren threw the quill onto the ground pulled off the paper, crumpled it and slammed it towards the quill.  
He snorted with rage about himself, forcing himself to at least take the time and close the inkpot and place it back into the case again, before he put it down almost gently and let himself fall back against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.  
Mikasa would know just as well as Armin. Everyone he might have written a letter to would know.  
He could not allow himself to assume he would fail and die, because if he did he surely would.  
He had to get through this and if he really was not alive anymore in the end he would have died trying and everyone would know.  
Armin would know how grateful he was for his friendship, Mikasa would know that he would have wanted to be there for her longer, Jean would know that Eren long since viewed him as a friend and thought highly of him and his superiors would know that he had done his best to become a good soldier.  
There was no need for him to write it down.  
When Levi came back, Eren sat in the same spot, only his head turned to the tiny window now, watching that small patch of the sky it allowed him to see.  
Levi did not say anything as he picked up the two crumpled pieces and the case. He did not ask, only reminded him to be ready as things would begin soon. Eren nodded and Levi left again.  
Obviously he already understood and a small, sad smile ghosted across Eren’s face.  
He was not allowed to fail.


	5. Armin to Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really had a hard time translating this time and I'm sorry should it not have turned out that well. For Armin I usually try to be very careful in phrasing and I'm not sure if my English is actually good enough to do that while translating. I did my best, but I'm not very certain with my choice of words and sentence structure on some parts. I apologize for that ...

Armin had withdrawn to some far off corner of the library. It had become his resort from the moment he gained access to it and he went there whenever he needed some rest. Or time to think. Sometimes even both.  
Even if it was fruitless right now as he would never be able to solve what he was worrying about, simply because there was no possible solution. He had found answers to some of the questions, but they just raised more questions. Especially questions on how to handle things not how to act from here on.  
Armin could not prevent from still thinking things through time and again and he was really glad that it was not his job to reach a decision. No matter the result it was a difficult one. He definitely did not envy Commander Erwin. Armin wondered how many soldiers were aware of how hard it was and how long it could take until an order was given?  
Armin shook his head slowly and turned back to the task at hand. One he should have done quite a while ago, but never really got around to. A sad smile made its way to his lips as he wrote down his thoughts in a clear writing. Somehow it felt good to get it off his chest and to know that his words were not lost just in case. Still it made him sad knowing that it was not that unlikely for these letters to be read sooner rather than later. 

_Eren,_

_I don’t know what the cause of my death will be in the end. Probably something stupid I did in spite of knowing that I would not succeed. Perhaps it was misfortune or even an accident. Both of us know how weak I actually am and that I never would have made it this far without your and Mikasa’s help._  
 _It is not unlikely for me to die long before you and I am grateful for that fact. Not because I want to die, but because I can rest assured that you will outlive me. That you will grow old and maybe even have children some day._  
 _And even if not, at least you will get older than me. When you are holding this letter in your hands it also means I did not see you die a second time._  
 _I know the terrible pain of watching a friend die and I deeply hope that you were not present when it happened. I also hope for the others to be around to distract you, to keep you grounded and to show you to go on. Because there are other humans who need you and for whom you can and need to be strong._  
 _And you have to go on. You have to live to get outside one day, defeat the titans and visit all those wonderful places we always dreamt of._  
 _I still like to think back to those times almost ten years ago, when we sat on the steps, marvelled at the pictures and imagined one day seeing this world out there._  
 _The boiling earth, the land of ice, lakes big enough that you cannot see their shores anymore. All these fantastic, inconceivable places out there – you have to see them some day. And you have to memorize them in detail, because I will ask you about them. Sometime in the distant future when we meet again you will have to tell me about them so that we can laugh at all the mockers from our childhood and tell them the stories are true. Tell them that we are not just dreamers and weirdoes and that all those things we believed in are real._  
 _If I can no longer come, you have to go for both of us. I will wait for you to.  
_ _In the meantime, live, don’t think too much about me and if you do, only remember the pleasant times. During my childhood you were the only one who did not laugh, but instead did listen to me. I’m fairly certain you already know, but I still want to write it down: Thank you, Eren. Thank you for being a dear friend._

_I will be waiting for you, but, please, take your time._

 

_Armin_

Armin laughed at the thought of showing this letter to Eren today. Surely he would have gotten a telling-off for his words and the mere fact that he even thought about the possibility of dying. He would have told him he would be looking out for him and to stop pondering about death.  
It would be so characteristic of Eren.  
But Armin knew how mortal and weak he was and sooner or later Eren would have to realize as much.  
Slowly and thoughtfully he folded the letter, pushed it inside the envelope lying next to him and sealed it before adding Eren’s name on top and putting it to the side.


	6. Armin to Mikasa

Armin reached for a new sheet of paper. There was a second letter he by all means had to write.  
He took a moment to think about it, his quill hovering and rocking slightly in his hand while Armin’s gaze was directed towards the window. Were these letters really necessary? He was almost tempted to ask her directly, but abandoned the thought immediately.  
She would not want to hear it, just like Eren. They resembled each other concerning such things – none of them wanted to admit that anyone could die and therefore refused to even think about the possibility for it to happen.  
He smiled sadly. His friends sure were something. Carefully he dipped the quill again wiping it off at the edge of the inkpot and started to write.

 

 _Mikasa,_  

 _I can only hope that not all has gone wrong in case you hold this letter in your hands and that Eren and the others are with you making me the only one who did not make it._  
 _I also hope that neither you nor Eren will blame yourself because you could not help or even save me. Please, don’t. There are too many possibilities of what could happen one day, but from my last experience I feel certain enough to say, I would prefer if you were not present and things did not end too close of a call. I’m still sorry for what happened last time and I clearly remember seeing the aftermath._  
 _Thank you for not accusing me like I accused myself. Thank you for all the times you saved me. I know not to take friends like you for granted and I’m really glad to have you._  
 _Mikasa, please, take care of Eren. I would prefer to write that he will certainly grow up and make it work – and I don’t doubt you all will succeed in the end – but, honestly, both of us know he will manage to get himself in trouble for sure. Especially uncalled one._  
 _Slow him down, stop him, once he starts doing something crude again and make him listen and stick with the orders. Explain them to him, should he not understand – or ask again, I think it is important right now to keep track of what’s going on.  
_ _Politics is way more difficult than slaying titans, it is essential to get a general idea. I know Eren will resist tooth and nail, but in case of doubt rather talk to the others. I guess, Jeans on his way to get what’s happening and, again, ask. I’m sure our superiors do have a plan and we should act according to it._

 _Apart from that, please take care of yourself as well. I know you are strong and you are great in what you do, but, Mikasa, you need to keep cool as well so that nothing will happen to you.  
_ _I would rather wait a long time than see you again too soon. Live long and find a way outside!_

_Armin_

He allowed the quill to descend and read over his words a second time. They sounded a little odd and incorrect and he wondered if the letter would have been the same had he written it on a different day under different circumstances.  
But right now he was thinking about too much and he knew that Eren and Mikasa had not found the bigger picture he was desperately trying to see, either.  
But he remembered Mikasa’s reaction to Eren’s putative death far too well and even if Armin did assume it would not be the same should he die – he did not think she would be completely unfazed.  
With a sad smile he leaned back a little and deep in thought closed his eyes.


	7. Hanji to Erwin

She sat in her chair down in her laboratory watching the experiment deep in thoughts. A vast amount of glass tubes served as connection for two large flasks with different struts, filters and cooling units in-between. In the first flask a dark red liquid was slowly simmering, light pink steam ascending into the equipment, gradually losing its colour before eventually dropping down into the second jar as clear liquid.  
It would take at least another half hour until she would be able to examine the distillate; therefore she had enough time left to brood over a few things. On top of her completely dumped desk – about which Levi complained every single time he dropped by – laid her notepad and writing utensils. Hanji thought for another moment then reached for the later.  
She always wrote down her findings, but also her thoughts just as well as theories, sometimes even sketchy drawings or schemata if they popped into her mind. She wrote down everything not matter how absurd or meaningless it might have been. She did not want those things to get lost should anything happen to her.  
But perhaps it was time to make sure that the right people would get her notes, just in case. Lost in thought again she doodled a few lines on the piece of paper before starting to write. 

 _Erwin,_

_I bet, you’re surprised to get a letter from me, aren’t you? Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with endless goodbyes or declare my forgotten love for you. No, I just want to ask a favour._  
 _Underneath my bed, at the back corner close to the wall you will find a loose floor board (and before you ask, yes, I did loosen it myself). Once you have lifted it, you will see a chest lying underneath._  
 _It contains all of my thoughts, theories and ideas. Some are quite abstract and some are not very likely. But perhaps there will be one among these that will provide a little food for thought or even help you on the way and I don’t want them to get lost._  
 _I know how much you granted me since you entrusted the research team to me and I know how I do insist on my way now and then or have reached my or your limits. I can only hope to at least have helped a little bit._  
 _Apart from you I will only leave one other letter to Moblit about this hiding place, I think, he will be the one most likely to go on with what I was doing in case you should be looking for a successor. If the chest will not be in its place, he probably has it._  
 _And I guess he will be the one with the best chances of getting the information of my mazy notes, if you should not be able to._  
 _If you don’t have the time or nerves to work through them, please, Erwin, at least take a closer look at the two topmost sheets. They should be about my research on Eren and a few speculations about the nature and origin of his shifting abilities._  
 _Until now I never spoke about them, because I’m anything but certain, but if I am right, things might get dangerous very quickly, there might be more people like him._  
 _But I guess that’s not news to you, is it?_  
 _Anyway, I swore to myself not to, but I get the feeling I still should, so here we go:_  
 _Thank you, Erwin. Thank you for letting me research the way I thought was right and not the way the protocol dictated, for listening to my theories and not condemning them at once and especially for catching some test subjects for me.  
_ _It seems the time has come for me to apply myself to the next big question and find out what follows death. I will dutifully report to you, when the time has come._

_Hanji_

 

She stopped several times to rethink her words. When she was finally done, there was a little outline of her bed in the upper corner of the sheet drawn with just a few basic lines and looking a little like a treasure map with a cross marking the chest.  
It made her smile about herself, just before she hurriedly put aside the letter, because her experiment made a whistling sound and somewhere yellow steam was leaking all of a sudden.


	8. Hanji to Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long again, but I had exams and a really hard semester so I seriously needed a break. I'm kind of back now and I will try to translate the remaining two chapters as fast as possible. But I will say in advance that I find them hard to translate, especially the last one. I'm not quite sure if I will be able to use that kind of language at all. Well, I guess it won't be much of a surprise anymore which two letters will be the last ones now - or is it?

It took about ten minutes for her to spot the problem (a leaking joint) and fix it in a way her experiment would not suffer from. But the mishap had caused a bit of her reagent to drop into the distillate.  
Hanji took the jar containing the clear slightly oily shimmering liquid, estimated the amount and exchanged both flasks without any further ado before getting a third one from the cabinet and placing it at the end of her equipment. She needed a clear, uncompromised result if she wanted to deduce anything.  
She put the rest of her reagent somewhere on the table without giving it anonther thought and let herself fall back onto her chair.  
That meant waiting again.  
She made a small note on one of her scrap papers on repeating the procedure and why. Then she lifted her hand to put the piece of paper to the side, but stopped midways. She had some time left now and since she already had started, it was a good time to write another letter, wasn’t it?  
This one was not necessary, at least not in the same way the one to Erwin was, but ... she smiled a little and reached for her pen. Perhaps this one was, too, just in another way and even if it was not, she wanted to play safe.

 

_Dear Levi,  
_

_yes, that’s right. Dear. Don’t look at me like that, it’s the usual way to begin letters, even if you will probably tell me now that I usually don’t give shit about what people usually do. And of course you are completely right, but I still think it’s a nice start._  
 _Letters do need to begin one way or another and why should I not do it the same way others do for a change?_  
 _Don’t roll your eyes, alright, alright, I will stop. Then let’s try and get the ‘sob stuff’ as you will most likely call it other with, don’t you think?_  
 _No, don’t roll your eyes again! Just let me do this, okay? I will try to keep it rather un-gooey for you (at least I think I will ... I don’t even know if I could write anything gooey if I tried ... do you want me to try and ... okay, okay, I know, don’t you say anything)._  
 _I still remember meeting you for the first time. And my very first thought was how small you were. Yes, I know, you’re not surprised and I made that clear more times than you can count. Still it is a given fact that you’re the smallest grown man I know. I mean, just look at our newbies – almost all of them are bigger than you and they are even still growing!_  
 _Yeah, right, I know, shut my mug. But I think you do know that I never meant any harm, when I was teasing you about that. Or anything else. You won’t believe how great it felt to finally met somebody who understood my strange sense of humour. Or at least who would not grimace when I try to crack a joke. I’m not completely convinced you actually understood me, thinking back now._  
 _But, well, guess we have another thing in common, huh? Judging from the looks everyone is giving you, nobody understands your jokes either, do they?_  
 _Haha, don’t be so grumpy now, you know that yourself, right? All of them are just strange. Or we are. Doesn’t really make any difference._  
 _Anyway, what I was trying to say is, I know that I can be tiring. I know that I am messy and don’t shower half as often as I should (yeah, alright, probably it’s rather not a tenth as often as I should in your definition), I know that people fear my laboratory and that hardly anyone comes here voluntarily._  
 _And I am really glad you did. Even if you almost had a fit because of my mess every time (and, yes, I did see that even if you don’t believe I did)._  
 _I am glad that it did not stop you and you still talked with me. Most people would probably look at me funny for what I’m gonna say not, but I really enjoyed our chats and I like to remember those evenings when we were sitting here together and you were complaining about time or your subordinates while I was pottering around ... yes, and you had to make me aware of over boiling substances time and again, that’s what you wanted to say right now, isn’t it?_  
 _Well, I guess you did safe me a lot of trouble a few times and I owe you for that._  
 _Don’t worry, I’m almost done with what I wanted to say, because, when you read these lines I will have started the last big experiment on research of life after death. We can talk about that, when you follow sometime in the hopefully distant future. (Yes, that will be necessary, because I will be way more experienced than you.)_  
 _Until then, please talk Erwin or Moblit, if you find the time, I left my research to both of them. You will most likely call it a waste of time and scatterbrained blather, but perhaps one or another of my theories about the titan’s weak spots might catch your interest.  
_ _(Yes, I actually do believe what I say, no matter how much you might grimace right now.)_

_Well, I guess it is time to turn back towards my experiment. It will be hell of boring without you in the future, take care of yourself._  
 _(And I know you will shake your head exasperatedly and put this letter aside, therefore I can right it at the end without having to worry, because you won’t read it anyway.)  
_ _Thank you, Levi. Thank you for being there._

 

_Hanji_

Hanji felt sad as she looked onto the unexpected long letter in her hand. It was written in messy, irregular strokes, on a piece of scrap paper that had already taken a few drops from various liquids and it appeared ... insignificant.  
And yet it made her melancholic. While writing she had seen Levi in front of her inner eye, his reactions if she had said those words to him directly. But to her final words she had seen a different reaction actually – a slow, painful shutting of his eyes as if trying to blink away tears and a heavy sigh – but she refused to answer to that.  
He was humanity’s strongest fighter he would be able to deal with her death ... somehow. Still it always hurt to lose a friend and no matter what some people might be thinking or saying, Hanji considered Levi one and she was certain the feeling was mutual.  
Otherwise he surely would not have entered her ‘cave of fustiness’ as he had called it since the very first day time and again. She smiled a little at the thought.  
A banging pulled her out of it and she jumped as her experiment started to dither and snap rather loudly.


	9. Mikasa

Mikasa did not like the dull ambience. The atmosphere was dark, depressed and heavy with melancholy and hopelessness.  
Wherever she went, she always saw the same disheartened faces staring back at her, everywhere people walked by with eyes red and swollen, wearing pain and grief on their faces.  
It reminded her far too well of three years ago. It was the same feeling after the fall of Maria when they were living in emergency accommodations. It was the same heavy, back-breaking atmosphere slowly spreading and enwrapping her, trying to pull her down, too. It made her shiver and pull the scarf closer, burying her nose inside and taking a deep, deep breath.  
She could not allow herself to be infected with it, not now this shortly before they would get Eren out of custody. It was not the right time to mourn fallen comrades.  
There had been people among the dead that she had known, even spoken to the evening before. It hurt her, hunted her, but until now she had been able to suppress the feeling more or less successfully. There would be a time for this, later on, not now.  
A woman walked by, holding a letter in her hand, weighing it seemingly afraid to open it.  
That was no rarity these days. Mikasa sighed silently and muffled the sound with her scarf, hurrying onwards. To the outside, where Armin and Jean would be waiting.  
As they moved out, Mikasa wondered once again, whether she should have left such a farewell letter to someone. The most likely candidates being the two boys next to her and Eren, but she was not sure herself if she really wanted to think about what such a letter would be written about.  
It was not prohibited to speak about them, but somehow no-one ever did. Nobody asked, whether someone left a letter for them or for someone else. It felt wrong and strange and she never even thought about doing it.  
If one of her friends really died ... no, she did not even want to think about it as long as it did not happen. It had been bad enough thinking even for a short period of time that Eren was dead. Imagining that she might have gotten a letter from him back than made her feel cold and shiver again. She had seen a few times that people had felt better afterwards. How they had smiled sadly and said they were glad to have at least this small goodbye.  
Mikasa could not understand. How could anyone be glad about an important person not only dying but leaving behind a message meaning they had expected to die?  
Did it not mean in reverse that one was leaping towards death and gave up on getting back alive?  
Weren’t it just those who gave up who would die first? Not fighting on to live for a tomorrow? She vowed never go back to that. If everyone gave up that easily they all would have lost and would die and she did not want that to happen.  
Before they left for the expedition her superior had asked whether she wanted to write a letter, but Mikasa had just shaken her head and nobody had asked again ever since.  
To her a letter was equivalent to resignation and if she really died she did not want the lasting impression of her being that of not even trying anymore. Aside from that she did not even know what to say anyway.  
What words to use for saying goodbye? What to leave behind without making others mourn and cry even more?  
No, she was certain it was better not to write down anything and just accepting the fact that the others would know what she would have said should she really die.  
And inwardly she prayed never to receive a letter herself as it would only mean another painful loss in her life and she was not even sure whether she would be strong enough to even read it.


	10. Erwin to Levi

“I’ll try getting through to Eren once more and talk to him. Be back in about an hour.”  
Erwin just nodded as Levi slid down from his desk and slowly walked towards the door. Most people probably would not have noticed, but Erwin could clearly see the small pointers.  
It was nothing new for Levi to sit on his desk, but usually he would rather jump than slide down and looking a little more closely he could see a tiny twitch every time Levi put weight on his left foot. He did not really hobble, but he tried to rest his left side and even standing tended to lean to the right.  
Erwin remained seated calmly and followed Levi with his eyes as the later closed the door behind him. It was like a small memorial – a warning. Levi got off lightly, the injury was not severe and he would not suffer any permanent damage once it was healed and yet...  
Even his strongest soldier by far was only human. He was vulnerable and attackable like any other. He could bleed and he could easily die next time. Strength did not ensure survival; it just made it more likely.  
Erwin allowed himself a sigh as he leaned backwards and closed his eyes for a few moments. Perhaps his perception had been dulled after all this time and he had become to blind for things like this. Perhaps it was time for him to remember that all of them were mortal. Even Levi. Even he himself.  
He opened his eyes again and reached for the top drawer taking out a letter he began writing some time ago. He could not remember when he actually did or what had interrupted him. But perhaps this was the right time to finally finish it. After all maybe there would not be another chance to do so.  
He took his penholder as his eyes ghosted over the words he already wrote. He smiled sadly and reached for his ink pot.

 

_Levi,_

_I feel a bit like an old man who has come to terms with his life’s end coming closer as I write these words, but I am certain just in case this should make things a bit easier to understand for both of us.  
_ _Right now I deem our expeditions to be the most likely reason for my death and I like to imagine that I died at the side of our people instead of falling victim to a politically motivated murder. It the more welcome thing to imagine.  
_ _I am aware that you do not want to take my part. I remember well our countless dialogues about the topic and even if I did wish for it, I will honour your decision. I left a note for the file not to nominate any possible successors – I would have had to chance the note too often – but for them to ask your recommendations in matters of names. I trust you to know our soldiers and be able to tell who would be able to continue what we have been trying for decades.  
_ _Whoever you might nominate and whoever might take my place I wish and hope for you to be able to someday work with him or her the same way you did with me and to respect each other just as much.  
_ _I am well aware that I cannot ask that of you, because trust is earned the hard way and I am proud to see how far we have come.  
_ _At this point I probably should apologize for our first meeting, but to be honest I am quite glad the way things turned out despite everything that happened.  
_ _Do not get me wrong, causing the deaths of your friends was neither my intention nor part of my plan and I deeply regret and wish I could have prevented them. But I will not apologize for everything else as it would mean apologizing for our friendship and cooperation as well.  
_ _Back then I would not have dreamt of how things would be today. I wanted to have you join the army because I wanted your fighting strength and abilities. Today I am very grateful as I got so much more.  
_ _It is not given for team play to work that easy and naturally. To be able to just count on someone else to keep an eye on the soldiers while I struggle with politics.  
_ _I am aware of that and I have no qualms to leaving everything in your hands. I will add a slip of paper to this letter with notes I wrote. Plans, thoughts, intentions. I am certain you will know that to do with them.  
_ _I am sorry to burden you with so much when I pass away, but knowing you will be able to go on leaves me calm._

_I do not know if there will be anything following death or if we will ever meet again. If that should be the case I will be waiting, if not ... I will just be grateful for having shared a bit of our lives.  
_ _Please, take care of yourself and do not become what I am now._

_Thank you, Levi._

_Erwin_

He allowed the penholder in his hand to drop onto the table and stared at the glittering, dark ink for a brief moment.  
Right now Erwin did not know what to wish for – a reunion after death or for it all to end just like that. Had he shown this letter to Levi today, the later certainly would have told him what a sobby old geezer he had become.  
And yet ... Erwin had known very few people who were actually close to him before they died, but he knew these letters could help. It was a little piece of those passed away, a last memento, a good-bye instead of just the news of their deaths.  
It was not much and most often it hurt even more at first, but then they would be like balm on a wound making the pain subside a little.  
He folded the latter and reached for an envelope.  
Yes, they were sad, but in their own way important even or perhaps especially for those who thought they would not need them.  
He smiled sadly as he wrote Levi’s name and impressed a seal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this finally was the last letter and it gave me a lot of headaches while translating. In my understanding Erwin has a very eloquent and careful way of wording and I'm not quite convinced I did a good job at keeping that while interpreting.   
> Still I wanted to get this chapter online nonetheless and therefore apologize should Erwin not sound the way he usually does.  
> Thanks for reading up to the end, too! I'm really glad if you did and hopefully did like my idea, I hope you enjoyed your time!


End file.
